My ex-spouse has thrown enough emotionally poisoned harpoons at me to kill a sperm whale. And like the whale in Melville’s tale of insane pursuit I’m just too tough to die.

For those who might have been either stoned, drunk, or otherwise incapacitated in high school and didn’t read the book you can read up on it on Wikipedia like me; the story tells the adventures of the wandering sailor Ishmael, and his voyage on the whale ship Pequot, commanded by Captain Ahab. Ishmael soon learns that Ahab seeks only one specific whale, Moby Dick, a ferocious, enigmatic white sperm whale.  In a previous encounter, the whale destroyed Ahab’s boat and bit off his leg. Ahab now intends to take revenge.

In more ways than one I am just like that whale and my ex-spouse is just like Ahab.  I may as well have destroyed my ex’s boat and bit off a leg while we were married.  I did make some mistakes after all- like the time I threw all of my ex’s clothes on the front lawn because of refusal to hang them up in the closet.  Probably should not have done that.  But, like Moby Dick, who is sometimes considered to be a symbol of a number of things, among them God, nature, fate, the ocean, and the very universe itself I tried to get good with God, nature, fate, the ocean, and the very universe itself by trying real, real hard to make things right.  In order to do this I followed a natural and universal process of reconciliation as offered by most religions, deities, twelve step programs, and chicken soup books. And most importantly, I was really and truly sorry for anything that I ever would have, could have, or should have done to hurt my ex during our marriage.

Lawyers, especially divorce lawyers, should like the book Moby Dick too I guess- and maybe that’s why Moby Dick is considered an American classic tale of adventure and woe; because learning about all the detailed evidence in the book never does get old does it?  And we can’t really ever find the TRUE answers in the book can we?  Our generation can only keep encouraging the retelling of the story so that future generations can learn something from the machinations of the plot lines and find their own truths from them.
The American tragedy is, like Ahab, ex-spouses sometimes sink the family ship without even knowing it while in the midst of an emotion fueled divorce.

How can you tell if your ex spouse is Ahab kind o’ mad?  Glad you asked because you should avoid this situation just like the scurvy.   Back to the timeless classic Moby Dick for one last analogy; Ahab’s pipe is widely looked upon as a metaphor for the riddance of happiness in Ahab’s life.  By throwing the pipe overboard and never again having the urge to smoke pipe, Ahab signifies that no longer can the simple pleasures of life be enjoyed; instead, Ahab dedicates an entire life to the pursuit of an obsession- the killing of the great whale, Moby Dick. 

So me hardies; get a clue when your wife does not want to smoke her pipe anymore because you should take this as a tell tale sign that trouble is on the horizon for the last of the great sperm whales.  

And take it from me brave boys be sure to watch out for those harpoons.  They can kill both men and whale. 

Anonymously submitted by: Moby Dick