Rant | Smartly Anonymous

Can’t find a replacement

September 15, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 4 Comments

…and it sucks. I cheated on the almost-ex with two different men, because he didn’t give me the attention that I needed. Just ONCE, I wanted to be at the top of the list. I never was with him. So, I cheated, and I felt alive again, even if it was just for a short weekend away with the first guy.

I miss him terribly. I screwed up. I didn’t actually “lie” to him, but I was not 100% forthcoming in the information I chose to share, or not. He was my friend. We talked, ALOT. I miss that. I miss his gorgeously chiseled face. I miss his height. I miss his gorgeous blue eyes. I even miss sending him the dorky “good morning, have a nice day” texts as I was walking into work every day. I miss the way that he paid attention to me. He listened to me and made me feel like what I had to say mattered. Even though that weekend was three years ago, there isn’t a single day that passes that I don’t think about him.

I just want to know WHY he stopped responding to me? Why did it have to end with him ignoring me from across the country. We talked about me moving out there to be with him. We discussed schools for my kids. It seemed like he was my true soul mate. And now, I sit alone–drinking away the emptiness, wondering what could have been if I had been 100% honest with him.

Filed Under: Confession, Rant, Regrets, Shh. Secrets. Tagged With: adultery, cheated, cheating, ignoring, illicit, questions, regret, replacement

I hate my boss

June 17, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 1 Comment

I know I’m not the only one. I feel like it is a rare event that someone actually likes the boss. What is it about having people report to you that turns some people into raging a-holes? Mine is particularly a pain, especially lately. Mind if I vent a bit? Let me start with the fact that he has absolutely no idea what the hell he’s doing, and yet is trying really hard to sound like he does. Which, shockingly, blows up in his face on a regular basis. Despite this fact, and the fact that I have half a decade more experience in this industry then he does, my advice consistently gets ignored, and 9 out of 10 times, turns out, I was right. This job isn’t rocket science, I realize that. The rules are simple, and the more you complicate them, the less successful you will be. My boss? Complicating the hell our of things, to the point where I am now being micromanaged down to my daily schedule. What am I? 12? Come. On.

I’m tired of being the only one in the office who seems to give a damn about the other employees here, tired of acting like a buffer between him and the other employees, and most of all, tired of not being treated with any respect. So boss man, good luck, I know of at least one person who’s planning on leaving and you can be damn sure I’m looking for a way out. Considering your team is only 3 people, you’re in for a hell of a ride.

Filed Under: Rant Tagged With: boss, micro-manage, quitting

Longing

March 8, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 2 Comments

I long for a time when we are no longer prejudiced against gays and lesbians. I long for a time when "coming out" is a milestone, rather than a horrendous experience in which one risks everything simply to be honest about themselves, and then loses a few "friends" in the process. I long for a time when we realize that child molesters are in a league all by themselves, and that a gay or lesbian teacher is no more likely to seduce our children than a heterosexual teacher. I long for a time when men can hold hands with men, and women can entwine fingers–in public–without getting any attention, other than admiring eyes who enjoy others who enjoy each other. I long for a time when Christians realize that being homosexual is not a lifestyle choice, nor is it an aberration to be cast out with the demons.

I long for a time when a mother does not need to worry about how the world will treat her homosexual child when they finally realize the truth, because I am that mother, and it is killing me to see my child struggling with something they are afraid to admit.

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Filed Under: Confession, Marriage, Rant, Shh. Secrets.

Religion? Check one.

March 7, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 3 Comments

I laid in the hospital bed with a nurse on my right and a nurse on my left. The woman to my right was starting an IV and drawing blood, the woman on the left was asking a slew of questions and entering them into the computer. After multiple questions about my family’s medical history she asks, "Religion?"

I was a bit taken aback. How did we go from cancer and heart disease to religion? I squeaked out "No religion," and waited for a judgmental look to cross her face. (There was no judgmental look, thankfully, she was the ultimate professional).

But, such is the life of a closet atheist in the Deep South.

Sometimes, I wish I was a person that proudly stated my non-religious status and calmly and rationally debated anyone that proselytized to me, but I’m not. I admire and respect people like that, but I can’t do that for myself. Honestly, I do not respect myself. I wonder if I told people at work "I’m an atheist" if they would be more disgusted by lack of belief, or the fact that I’ve led them to believe I was a believer for years.

Other times I wish that I could find a church that I enjoyed so I could be part of a community. Atheism is lonely, and even groups of like-minded people don’t have the rich traditions that religion has. You might find a group that gets a wild hair to celebrate a pagan holiday, but there are sure to be a few crotchety naysayers that don’t want to participate in anything based on fantasy. No Yule Log to celebrate the solstice, people used to believe that would protect them for a year! And I’d be lying if I said I haven’t thought about joining a church just so my daughter fits in and isn’t an outcast at school.

How weak is that? How will I ever teach my daughter to be confident in her beliefs, when I can’t exhibit that confidence myself?

Filed Under: Confession, Rant

What a mess.

February 18, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 3 Comments

I have a friend that is such a neat freak. She is getting worse and she makes me feel ….

1. Not good enough being around her.

2. nervous to even step foot in her home.

Should I address her about this or is this my problem and I just need to overlook this issue in my friend? This friend was not always this uptight, she seems to be getting worse. When she walks into my home, she always looks around like she is doing an inspection. I thought true friends were not supposed to judge you on how clean your home is, etc. However, I consider her a true friend but she is indeed judging me. Don’t get me wrong, my house isn’t gross or a disaster. However, I have four young kids and there is always "stuff" around. I keep it clean, it’s just not always perfect. I have heard this same friend make comments to others about messy houses, etc. My playroom is going through some redoing right now so I have stuff out. She made a comment to someone else saying "how could I even have people over when my house looks like that. It makes me not even want to have her over. Last time she was over I caught her snooping around my house in my kids closets and stuff, how weird is that? I had their bedroom doors closed even.
When I was at her house last time, she vacuumed three times while I was there. That makes me feel like she thinks we are making a huge mess. We were so careful. It’s getting me crazy!

Filed Under: Rant

Why don’t you leave me alone?

February 17, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 3 Comments

We were so tight. Like two parts of a whole. When people saw one of us they thought of the other. You were my best friend. I gave you my whole heart, in a way that I hadn’t before. Not to anyone.

I should have known that I was over-invested. I should have picked up on the clues. We always did what you wanted to do. You knocked my choices in music and books and food. Anything I suggested was mocked. My ideas were treated with disdain. But still, you were my best friend because I’d given you my heart.

And then you went away. You abandoned me for several months. I was lost. My heart was broken. And I was suddenly only half of a whole. Alone.

You came back like nothing had happened. No statement that you missed me. No question about how I’d been while you were away. Just back to telling me what we were going to do together that week. And I was supposed to fall in line. That was my wake up call. That was when I realized that I needed you so much more than you would ever need me. You took me for granted. I was simply a fixture in your life. I was your puppy – to be trained as you saw fit to serve your needs.

Not a happy moment for me.

So I began to distance myself. I began turning down invitations, making new friends, thinking for myself and doing my own things. I began asking myself what I wanted. And I liked it.

I became whole all on my own. I didn’t need another half after all.

And then you decided I wasn’t paying enough attention to you. I had tried to subtly slink away and you’d noticed. You were not happy and you made sure that I knew it. You told me I was a lousy friend who thought only of herself. You told me I never cared about anything unless it was about me. You told me you had to cut friends from your life who weren’t giving back to you as much as you were putting in.

I said nothing. Not because I agreed but because I didn’t want to save the relationship. I was over you. I didn’t want you back. While I believed you were a good person, I’d learned you weren’t good for me.

We separated. I made another best friend. One who loves me. Who needs me. Who lets me choose who I want to be. I was happy.

Apparently you weren’t. You came back telling me that I broke your heart and you wanted to be my friend again. I told you I couldn’t have the kind of intimacy we’d shared before. It wasn’t healthy for me and it wasn’t what I wanted. You said that would be okay, that you could learn to redefine friendship and meet me in the middle.

You lied.

You quickly went back to your old ways. Telling me to change, how to be who you wanted me to be. Contacting me multiple times a day. Email. Text. Phone. At my door. My boundaries meant nothing to you.

We broke up again. I was very clear this time. I told you that the relationship wasn’t good for me. I needed to work on me. I needed to move on.

You told me it was like a divorce. You told me I broke your heart. Then you told all our friends how badly behaved I was. You told them how selfish I was. You told them that you’d given it your all and I gave nothing in return.

And I let you. I walked away. Because I was done.

But now you’re back. Pushing the limits I’ve set. Inserting yourself into my life. Getting cosy with my new friends so that we’ll end up at the same events. And still finding ways to tell me how I don’t measure up.

Why won’t you just leave me alone?

Filed Under: Friendship, Rant

With Regrets…

January 21, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 3 Comments

To my children’s grandparents:

I’d like to apologize for having given birth to inconvenient grandchildren. I wouldn’t call them imperfect, because there’s no such thing as a perfect human being. So ‘inconvenient’ will have to suffice, for why else would you find it so difficult to spend time with them like you do your other grandchild?

It’s not jealousy that prompts this – I’m the mother of all of your grandchildren. Perhaps that’s why it grates so badly. I see the way you treat my eldest, the easy one. She’s fairly neurotypical, very mature for her age, eager to please and to try new things, an easy traveler – in short, she doesn’t take much effort.

Not so her siblings. They both have "issues" – nothing that can’t be overcome with some effort. We (their parents) do it, their teachers do it, our friends try, and I do see you trying sometimes too. But you give up far too quickly. It’s as if they just aren’t worth your best effort. They are worth all that and more, and I promise that you’d see a return on your efforts if you’d only take the extra time and effort that we do. They love you. You love them. Why is it so hard for you to spend the extra time with them the way you so willingly do with the "easy" one? It doesn’t even have to be equal amount if time – just equitable. The easy one understands the dilemma and wants the others to enjoy the same type of relationship with their grandparents. If a child can see the issue and solution, why not the adults?

It’s your loss, ultimately. If we play things right, they may never notice that you play favorites. But it will be a loss to you, and to them, and to your relationship with the eldest. She notices. She sees. She understands.

I hope that you will too.

Filed Under: Family, Rant

Why I might hate you.

January 4, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 32 Comments

Are you mega obese? Then I hate you. Oh am sure there is a lovely person underneath all that fat…but ultimately the fat gets in the way of me caring about the person underneath. I am not talking about someone with a little baby weight (but come on your kid is 6. Can you really call it baby weight anymore?) I am really talking about really super fat people. Like the people that complain the seats on airplanes are too small for them. Or the ones that ride electric scooters because THEY ARE TOO FAT to walk. I work at a place where people can rent scooters for the day…and those people, kill me the most- because they will say ‘oh I have to have a scooter because I have back problems or bad knees’…..but the point is, they have back problems and bad knees because THEY ARE FAT. I know how hard it is to loose weight. I understand, but I honestly can not understand how people want the world to accommodate their gluttony. Bigger plane seats, discrimination cases and even trying to claim that it is out of their control. How about some reality; being fat is the one thing that is 100% in your control in life. Absolutely NO ONE makes you eat what you eat. Don’t tell me it is because fresh food is more expensive. Don’t tell me it is because gym memberships cost too much. Let me break it down for you…YOU are FAT because of YOU. You are not a victim. You do not have a genetic disorder. You do not have a disease. You are fat because of you. It is your fault. And only your fault. I will not feel sorry for you. I will not look at your fat children and think for one minute it is because of genetics. Your kids are fat because you are a BAD PARENT. I think obese children should be taken away. How is making your kid obese any worse than letting them do drugs? You are killing them either way. And for those mega fat women who go on Oprah and try to preach fat-acceptance? Who the hell are you kidding? You hat being fat. We know it. Who do you think you are fooling? If someone could make you skinny over night NOT ONE FAT girl would say “No I prefer to be insanely obese. I love it.’ So I am guessing you hate fat people too.

Filed Under: Confession, Rant

Sucking the life out of me.

January 1, 2011 By ANONYMOUS 11 Comments

As a child I saw my grandparents on either side of my family on holidays and the occasional birthday. One set lived near, and the other a bit farther away, but that made no difference. My grandparents had their own interests and lives and homes and marriages and friends. And my parents went about their merry lives raising their girls in suburbia without the burden of guilt about time spent with their parents. And I grew up believing that this was the norm. That when you got your own family, your parents were secondary players- in the background- and not people you had to have intertwined in your daily life.

Fast forward to me. I am now married with children, and my parents are literarily sucking the life out of me. It started when I went away to college- my mother had been a great mom, but when I left apparently she had nothing else of value in her life. So she called me and my sister (we lived together) several times a day. Asking us, what we were doing, eating and even WEARING. She made us feel guilty when we missed her calls, and genuine excuses like we were at a study group-were met with disapproval and disbelief. We endured all this, since my parents were generously paying our tuition, and believed it would stop eventually.

After college, I began my career in banking which required long hours and hard work. My mother would call me daily. And she still does. We live very near each other still, and now it had moved beyond the phone calls to drop-in visits and her numerous requests for me to pick something up at the store for her. She is fully capable of going to the store- but for some reason, she asks me to do it for her. As if as a working mother of three I have MORE time than her. The thing that really gets me the most, is her negativity. She is always sad, depressed or generally ranting about someone. The store clerk who was rude, the lady at church who ignored her, how her gardener is trying to raise his prices. All things I don’t want to hear. But she calls me (or now emails me) to tell me these things every single day. She asks me to help her solve simple problems that she and my dad can solve (like a mix up at the dry cleaners) as if it IS MY JOB. She is offended if we go somewhere as a family and do not invite her and my dad to go along. Apparently we have to do EVERYTHING with them.

I fully understand there will come a time soon when I will have to be a caregiver for my aging parents. I have always accepted that responsibility (my sister lives overseas with her family) but, I never knew I would have to deal with all this NOW at age 37. I am so jealous of my sister, only having the obligation of returning for Christmas and calling on Dad’s birthday. She has no idea how our mother is ruining my life. My mother is indeed sucking my own life away. In my head, as she is complaining to me this or that I scream inside “You are selfish! Let me go!!! Stop living MY LIFE! Live what is left of your own! LEAVE ME ALONE!”. Words that would never come out of my mouth because I love my mom. Honestly, I am sorry she is sad. I am sorry she doesn’t have anything in her own life to interest her. I am sorry she is lonely. BUT WHY IS THAT MY PROBLEM? I fear the only solution to this, is for me to move my family far away. Which seems drastic, but I really don’t know what I can do…..

Filed Under: All Categories..., Confession, Family, Rant

What makes the difference?

December 21, 2010 By ANONYMOUS 7 Comments

There are a few people this world, my world specifically, would be better without: my still-abusing-and-deceiving-others ex-husband, the guy I know who killed his wife and got away with it, every single child molester who ever lived, etc. I’m sure we all know a few people we would like to eliminate.

And then, after I think these thoughts and fantasize about their reality, I do the ridiculous, and wonder what their lives as children must have been like. In a few cases, I already know the answer…"not good" does not suffice. For a few minutes I can even muster tears for these once-abused children..but I still cannot justify the actions of those who are now adults and make others’ lives a living hell. After all, practically everyone I know has a few horror stories to tell, and they seem to manage just fine dealing with their own issues in humane ways.

So what makes the difference between someone who hurts, abuses, manipulates, rapes, molests, steals, and someone who doesn’t? And why oh why can’t I be the kind of Batmanesque vigilante who could rid the world of a handful of these despicable beasts? If only I didn’t have a conscience…and my own sordid stories.

Submitted by Conveniently Anonymous

Filed Under: Childhood, Rant