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Sexually programmed.

December 29, 2010 By ANONYMOUS 8 Comments

imageI will preface this by saying that I am not writing this for sympathy, nor for the sheer drama of it.  For the most part, I have come to terms with things.  And not to minimize my own experiences, I do know people who have experienced far more damaging things than I did.  My experiences were limited, AND I had a wholly loving family, despite the challenges of my childhood.  Nevertheless, here’s the story…and the part I am wrestling with:

I suddenly found myself hiding in the bathroom.  Eventually Mom came and I told her that the boy in my bed had been playing with me "down there."  I don’t know where that boy, five like me, went…but I never saw him again.  A year later, at 6, my brother’s friend’s troubled step-brother, 14 year old, would rape me while no one else was in the house but us.  This time, I didn’t tell mom…until we were many states away and five years had passed.  I don’t remember what she said at the time, but we never discussed it again.  The same year I confessed, one of my dads died.  Eighteen months later, my other father…my "real" one also died.  The next year I lost what I still considered my virginity, this time by choice.  Young, naive, but deeply in love (I think I STILL love that precious boy).  Three years later I would become a mom…then an abused wife, then a single, divorced mom with messed up relationships, a re-married mom, etc.  Many many years later, my life is stable, my soul intact…an amazing husband, loving children, a happy life unhindered by the abuses of my past EXCEPT that my sexuality is marred.  While I crave intimacy with my husband in my mind…when it comes down to the act itself, it takes every ounce of determination to make or respond to an intimate advance.  My first response is to turn away, as if I am being violated.  Naturally, I know that I am not…that he loves me, that making love is a beautiful thing.  And sure, I get the connection between the former abuse and the current aversion…and I can be sympathetic to it.  After all, I currently have a child who is the same age I was when the worst atrocity happened.  I get it.  I was young, and it wasn’t my fault.  But I don’t want to stay this way…unable to relax into my god-given sexuality.  My husband is awesome…as a husband, as a father, as a friend, as a lover.  But how long can he be patient with my sexual reticence?

Image original artwork by Ali Cavanaugh

Filed Under: Bedroom stories, Shh. Secrets.

Sexless marriage; oxymoron or the norm?

December 28, 2010 By ANONYMOUS 14 Comments

I don’t have sex.

Which is pretty astonishing considering I was very promiscuous prior to meeting my husband 10 years ago. As a matter of fact, I was the girl who slept with the guy on the first date if I felt like it. I had no problem with that either. I always figured it helped me eliminate a whole lot of ‘candidates’….because finding a good sexual partner was really the most important thing to me. Well that and being handsome and gainfully employed. I was just one of those highly sexed people. I loved it. And I am guessing I still would-if I had a partner to have sex with…

It wasn’t the kids. We used to have crazy awesome sex during pregnancies and even during those sleep deprived years. Nope not the kids.  I have gained some weight since we met, but hell so has he…and really I still look pretty good naked even if I can’t still fit into my wedding dress. Men still hit on me. I still must be attractive to SOME PEOPLE. But for some reason he just doesn’t want it. Let me clarify- he doesn’t want ME.

Basically for the last several years we had obligatory sex, on holidays, birthdays and on the rare occasion the kids were out of the house for the night. And then even that stopped. He would go to bed early. Be snoring by the time I got all the kids to bed. And I sit there, watching commercials with happy couples riding bikes in the park together to advertise some heart medication and think ‘they must be having sex if she wants him to beat the heart disease’. Because when you are not having sex, your mind sees every couple and wonders….’do they still have sex?’

No one would guess my husband doesn’t want to sleep with me. We seem like happily married people. As marriages fail around us, we are still standing. But I wonder- is this really the best thing? Sure it is good for the kids. And I love to beat the odds and stay married. And my husband is still funny, charming and has every single OTHER quality that made me want to marry him on that sunny Connecticut day many many years ago….but there is NO SEX. He says he is tired. He still loves me but he is just stressed. And tired and blah blah blah……a whole bunch of excuses when I cry and beg him to tell me why he doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I think I could learn to physically learn to live without ever being touched and caressed and pleasured….but the rejection? It is killing me.

So here I sit, stuck in a ‘happy’ marriage that will never make me happy.

And I wonder, how abnormal is this?

Filed Under: Bedroom stories, Confession, Marriage

Finding the balance between Porn and the Pope.

December 27, 2010 By ANONYMOUS 2 Comments

I’d seen a dude do it on porn videos.

He made her feel comfortable in record time and then bango he’s in her pants with no questions asked within minutes.  And she loved every second of it. Thanks to my desire to understand the porn movies of my youth I have gone out of my way to become an expert in body language (how CAN they DO that so fast?) and because of this expertise I have also become an expert on picking up women in supermarkets.

For real.

I used to be terrible at meeting women but now I’ve read all the books, seen all the videos, and done all the homework.  And now I’ve got moves way better than any porn star and, given half way decent circumstances, I have achieved a consistently high average of attracting and retaining hottie women.  It is like having a super power if you do it right; observe the five second rule, approach, open, generate rapport, demonstrate value, build attraction, close.  The guys that write the books about being a pick up artist have all this stuff down to a science.  I have perfected the art form. Life is not quite like a porn movie though and the books especially don’t tell you what to do after you’ve done it.  Or what to do when you wake up in the morning and feel bad about doing it.

Pope John Paul II wrote a book called the Theology of Body.  He tells you why porn movies aren’t really the most healthy thing for us and neither is being a pick up artist.  He says that giving one’s body to another is a very high calling in the eyes of God and that this act is sacred and pure when done properly.  He also tells you that in order to do a proper courtship in the eyes of God you should do so with the goal of being in love and getting married.  The Pope also says that the body, and it alone, is capable of making visible what is invisible: the spiritual and the divine. The body was created to transfer into the visible reality of the world the mystery hidden since time immemorial in God and we humans can be nothing less than a sign of it.

Heavy duty ju-ju there huh?!  So what’s a boy to do in a man’s world and what’s a red blooded American male to do in a saint’s heavenly cosmos?  In the end I have decided to take the middle ground between being a porn star and a Pope. And as a result going to the grocery and picking up chicks no longer has a moral conundrum attached to it for me thanks to this post modern fusion between porn and religion.  I now use both my pick up artist super powers like a porn star and heavenly divinity like the Pope to insure relationship success.  If I had to I would wager anyone a hundo that with this philosophy I have become the perfect post modern man.

That is until it comes to sex.  You see I used to have a definition of sex sort of like Bill Clinton had…which is….well….you know….  The point is not if William Jefferson Clinton’s definition of sex agrees with the Pope but rather that we probably should all agree that penetration without commitment is most likely beyond the heavenly veil.  After all Bill’s divine affection (so to speak) for Monica was clearly tempered by his own a lack penetration- probably and most likely in deference to the Pope.  And, believe it or not, I- like Bill, have made my peace with his conundrum and the fact that literally speaking I agree with William Jefferson Clinton- if the dress is a mess you most likely don’t have to confess.  But, in the end, what I have found to be so shocking is that most women in reality are way worse then men about having ungodly sex.  When it comes down to it I’m now very sure that women just want a man inside of them even more than a man wants to be in there our own primate selves. Women are after all animals on the animal planet too and their JOB by biblical Job is to reproduce the breed.  And most red blooded American women take this upwardly mobile career path for the human race very, very seriously.  As they should.

So does this mean that Eve told Adam to “do me like a porn star?!”   Maybe.  Did he do it for her and then feel a strong sense of Catholic guilt afterwards? Well who the hell knows?

Only the Popes and the Porn Stars know for sure I guess.

I just know that somewhere between the frozen chicken wings and the Ben and Jerry’s someday soon I’m going to make my move;

“Hey baby- what do you say about me and you helping each other become spiritually DIVINE in RECORD time!?”

Submitted by Intimately Anonymous

Filed Under: Bedroom stories, Confession, Marriage

I cheated and I am so very sorry.

December 23, 2010 By ANONYMOUS 5 Comments

imageI married young.

And I married for a terrible reason: homelessness.

I was 19 and I’d been fired from the job that was paying for the room I rented. I felt that I couldn’t go home again as my parents were renting out my room to a college student. Having dropped out of college to work full-time, I had very little extra education to put on a resume.

So I married my boyfriend of a month-and-a-half. He was in the military and would receive extra pay to afford an apartment if he was married. We decided that if it didn’t work out, we’d just get a divorce. Just like that. We waited until we had $100 between the two of us and went to the local courthouse for our wedding. I didn’t tell my parents until two weeks later.

Seven months later he was deployed overseas to fight in the war. We didn’t even get to celebrate our first Valentine’s Day together.

I’d frequented the base "club" before I’d met my husband, so I returned there to be among friends while I was a "single wife." A mutual friend of my husband and mine would also go and we’d hang out. Sometimes he’d come over to our apartment for dinner and movies.

But one night it was more than dinner and a movie. In the bed I’d received at my belated wedding reception, I slept with him.

Feeling remorseful, I faked a mental breakdown to get the friend out of my house. I never saw that friend again.

When my husband returned from the war, I confessed only to kissing another man and lied about who it was (I told him it was a new person who’d since been stationed elsewhere). My husband told me that was my one allowed screw-up, and if I’d slept with the man, we’d be getting a divorce.

2 years later he did ask for a divorce, though he never really explained why. We’d been having money trouble and he seemed to withdraw from just about everything.

I never told him about the affair, and I never got a chance to apologize to the friend.

I haven’t had a serious relationship since the divorce and every time I do get close to a guy, I wonder if they’ll ever ask if I have cheated or been cheated on, and I wonder how I’ll answer. I try to chalk it up to the fact that I was young and lonely, but I just can’t seem to forgive myself for cheating on my husband. And still it seems that I am being punished after all these years.

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Filed Under: Bedroom stories, Confession, Marriage, Regrets
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