He said he was sorry for not being able to show up. He wasn’t able to get away. He is married and he has small children. Did I fall in love, or is it lust with this man? I was drawn in by the soft gentleness he exhibits with his children. He is so kind and loving; I wanted to feel that kind of love, I wanted to be one of them. And for once, feel that kind of attention. But life is way more complicated than that. I told him not to worry about it. I never want to add stress to his life. In fact I never want to add stress to anyone’s life. I have been accepting apologies and enabling people my whole life, allowing those who are close to me to hurt me. I had an epiphany that day when he said he was sorry as he often had said before. The epiphany is that I am willing to be seconds or even thirds because I have never been anyone’s priority.
That makes me an amazing wife, since my husband can put work, the kids, his parents…anything ahead of my needs. How easy and carefree for him, to have his personal attendant, who requires nothing back. Oh, and the kids, the ones I pretty much raised alone, since dad was so busy at building his ego with the accolades of his job. Well, any parent knows raising children is thankless. I don’t really even want them to make me their priority anyway, but if their dad would have shown some to me, maybe they would know how to care about me, not just want something from me. But it doesn’t matter, because they are grown now and they are givers like I am. I hope they find givers back.
I suppose I can thank my parents in some way for the role I have played.Stuck between the beloved older sister and pampered little brother, I was the classic over achieving, peace keeping, ”please look at me” middle child. After a while you start believing there really is nothing you can do that IS good enough. Not the good grades, not the starring role in the school play, which no one came to see, not even marrying the man they wanted me to marry. Then the cycle of family life began. The kids, the job, the house, the bills. I was in it, good! So I did it, I did what all I had to do. This was most everything. She is so capable!
Fast forward and the kids are grown, but nothing else has changed. The result of being no one’s priority is a desperate loneliness with which I have a hard time putting onto the page. The feeling is so strong, at times, it consumes me. My only escape from it is to distract from it, such as in the form of my sweet friend, who when he is not being a dad, is often times texting me with indecent thoughts. For hours we chat, and speak about nothing. The rare times we can see each other, we hardly say a word, and the energy consumes us both, with quiet inhales and intense holds of tangled arms and silent breaths. I am filling his void, just like he fills mine.
Why do I let him? You would not ask if you had understood the desperation I feel. One is willing to take a corner of moldy bread when they are starving.
Why are you still with your husband? Your children are grown now. Perhaps it is time for some in-depth counseling to help unravel your entrenched lack of self-esteem, then (in time) some baby steps of progress toward finding someone with whom you can share mutual respect, mutual giving/receiving, etc.
I understand the point about being desperate–but also know that unless you work on how you feel about yourself, this affair will only add to your dark feelings of inadequacy. It is clear from your post that you are reaching out, and that you may be ready to do something different. Both of the men in your life are using you for their own needs–it’s time to find your own and learn how to nurture them.
Pulling for you!
Hey.
I am the husband of a woman who has taken that road. There is a part of me that accepts the fact that I created conditions for the affair to occur. I was simply re-enacting the way my/her parents acted – take care of the finances, security, health, and college. While I was doing all this, she was hoping for more emotional support from me. Problem is, by the time I find out that I was missing the point, someone else had already taken up that task. By the time I realized things weren’t going well she was already in love with another guy…., a guy that was saying all the right things but never had to hold a trash basket for a kid to puke in, never had to pay the rent, never had to sit in an emergency room waiting for a doctor.
Now that he has come and gone, my wife has informed me of her desire to stay in the marriage, despite her having to lower her standards to tolerate it. I either have to learn to trust her again, or wait for the problem to arise again. The problem: she wants others to give her happiness. I don’t know how and I think she would rather I not be successful.
So, what is my job as husband?
My husband is devoted like you are and also a quiet person. Sometimes I long for more communication, and have even let my mind wander into fantasies about what it would be like with someone more outgoing. It doesn’t take me long to remind myself that Mr. Outgoing would certainly not love our children like we love them together. He would not know or care about what we’ve been through. He would probably not be as devoted to us, as willing to support the life that I love. So, what about my mind wanderings? They are selfishness. Wanting more when I already have the world. Oh…and guess what? When I finally explained to my husband how I was feeling, he started to make little pockets of time for us to talk. I didn’t think he was capable of giving this to me…and yet he stepped up. Now it’s time for me to find some ways to step up myself. I think I’ve been slacking in the wife department.
I’m with Marcy and Anonymous Writer–you sound like a solid, committed guy. She seems lost…and I think you’re going to pay too steep a price trying to jump through her fire hoops.
Steve….you should do her a favor and yourself and insist on a divorce. She is willing to lower her standards? How horrible for you! What about your self esteem. It is not that you are a bad guy…but maybe you can do better, BE BETTER with someone else.
She was willing to risk the marriage and did. Don’t wait for it to happen again.
Steve,
If you held a puke bucket, and waited in E.R.’s then you were not absent. You were a working dad/ husband.
I feel that the writer in the feature, deals with the void of a missing father and husband one who was not there during illness and E.R. visits.
I am sorry for your situation. Life is complicated. The writer says she is willing to take a corner of moldy bread…are you?